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 OUTLAW: ASSume the position

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PostSubject: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:40 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2006 6:31 pm

Since Bob had to gay up the works on this shit, I am..... neither proud nor exilerated in any way actually, the present you the roast of our very own celebrity imposter *coughs*CUM DUMPSTER*coughs*.

OUTLAW JESSE JAMES.


Do it right, boys.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:41 am

The Spleen
Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2006 7:28 pm

Who Farted?
This stinks already. OUTLAW? What the hell can I possibly say?
Let me go take a dump and give it some thought.
That should inspire me.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:41 am

HTownSteve
Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 2:09 am

Is this a roast? And nobody showed up?

No Wonder. It's a roast of Outlaw. For reasons beyond ME, this place is named after "Outlaw", a Momma's boy who has to wait for his parental unit to finish cyber-sexing before he can get on line.

UM....damn....too easy.
UM...again...too easy.
Um....

Well..too easy but here goes.

Outlaw claims to be...well, Outlaw. YET, he's just some 20-something waiting for PC time in his basement, whilst trying to finish his life-long dream: A map of Mid-World. I'm not saying Outlaw's a LOTR freak, but he owns every version of LOTR ever released. Outlaw even tries to pick up Women by calling them "My Precious". After many failed attempts, he goes back to his Zima (with lime), and twists his gum-machine ring over and over, chanting "my precious" over and over until he he gets his shot at the cross-eyed, one-legged, Down-Syndrome suffering little boy that busses the bar. After he finds his "victim" for the night, he makes sure his Mom is asleep. Then, and ONLY then, he brings hius victim into his lair for (whatever he does)

All I know is that he requires his young victims to lay (naked) on Ford magazines, and cum in his mouth.

Seriouisly, though? OUTLAW is a putz. He's just another loser on this board, just like.,......Redbob.

He adds nothing, never responds, and is more boring than "Lincoln Logs".

If I could do anything to change my life? I'd get a website named after me, then watch cartoons all day. I LIKE CARS TOO, PRICK.

Fucking loser.

(This roast was un-inspired. Just ranting)

BOO-YEAH!!
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:42 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:54 pm

I haven't forgotten, I've just had a lot of shit on my plate, and not in that good way. I will roast this fucker soon enough.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:43 am

narrator
Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 9:45 pm

We are here to roast the one and only Outlaw, here at the esteemed Battle Ground. I can tell it's the Battle Ground because it smells like H-Town Steve passed out here: Wild Irish Rose, stale pretzels, his father's cum, and Taco Bell chalupas, all set to boil in gastric juice and heaved out with a force that covered three of the four walls. Steve, do up your velcro. No, you don't HAVE a zipper. We discussed this, remember? You couldn't figure it out, so we got you velcro, ok? That's a big boy.

Spleen, good to see you're holding out long enough for this. But why the name Spleen, y'know? You should have called yourself the Heart: Completely irregular. What? It's a roast! It's hard to pick on a man like Spleen though. I mean, how can you joke about a man who couldn't even beat Olive Oyl in an arm-wrestling match and NOT feel like a heel?

Speaking of heels, PatDaddy will be joining us shortly. He's busy chasing down the ice cream truck that passed by about 20 minutes ago. He's really got a great strategy about it, too, the way he uses the four-way stops. That Chunky Monkey went Superman on the Triple Thick Chocolate until he got all Blue Moon, and left Moose Tracks behind a few hours later.

Whammon is up here on the dais. The commissioner of our Fantasy Football League. Whammon is, how shall we say, a bit 4th and 20 in his own endzone after having given up 5 safeties already. But what can you expect from a man who thinks of Dan Patrick's balls everytime he clutches a feather duster?

REDBOB! I almost didn't notice you. Correction: I did but I wish I hadn't. Redbob's always noticeable when he shows up though: he's always late, and to that end, he almost got the nickname "Heavy Metal Drummer." Redbob is a world class procrastinator. He was a day late with the rebuttal at his own roast. So how long are we gonna have to wait for the story of your presidency? Just get it done before it reads eerily like a satirization of President Chelsea Clinton. No, Bobbo, I MEANT Chelsea, you procrastinating fuck. Oh, you're all thinking, "Oh, but Redbob's busy, he's got class!" And that is where you're wrong. He's got school alright, but he has *never* had class. In all seriousness, though, I'm looking forward to what you have to say Bob. I've got $20 riding on it coming after Outlaw's grand rebuttal.

Which finally brings us to Outlaw, a man who got caught trying to pinch the van from Up In Smoke. He used to call himself "420Outlaw", Until he realized he couldn't count that high. Speaking of high, though, Outlaw has gone through so much grass, John Deere wants to make a franchise using his name on their next line of lawn mowers. The Outlawnmower. It's a rider, so you can still use it while enjoying a fantastic burn. No fooling, this guy has done his share of marijuana. And my share, and Spleen's share, and goddess's share, too.

The man's more than a pothead though. He's also a gearhead. Which really sends a dangerous message to drivers, auto mechanics, and people who in general like to use power tools. I envy the girl who dates him though. She'll be the only woman with a Hemi-powered vibrator.

He used to be an admin here too. But he couldn't handle the strain. The strain of sitting back and reading other people's drivel and joking with the other staffmembers about David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons such-and-such poster Should Be Banned." It's strenuous work, and clearly not for everyone.

Seriously though, Outlaw, the reason it's taken so long for any of us to come up with any material, let alone decent shit, to roast you with is that you're such a universally cool guy. You have no enemies, because the ones you do become friends after you share a glimmer of your stash with them. When I get the chance to meet you, you bring the weed, I'll bring the Double-Stuffed Oreos and Vitamin D Milk. Calm down, Steve, that's not a euphemism. Outlaw, you're the reason we're here, though you really should have named the place after a band that didn't involve Joe Walsh. Just an afterthought. You're an incredible guy and a true expert in automotive. And as someone who grew up in a town full of GM fans and yet has read your car threads, I say this with all sincerity, FORD: Found On Road Dead. 'Nuff said.

--FIN--
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:43 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:27 pm

Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:45 am

Redbob86
Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:32 pm

Good one, N!

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:45 am

hungover
Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:51 pm

You could say many wonderful things about Outlaw. The touble is when people actually hear you saying them, the general consensus will be, Outlaw? There are still a lot of things you can say about Outlaw. Some of them true, others probably actionable in court.

He's had a tough life. Up at the crack of noon, light a bong. Then Nickelodeon until 6. A trip to the snack aisle at the minimart and $200 later he watches Poker on TV until bed time. Just recently he found out Grand Theft Auto was a video game, not a way to make a living.

He love cars. He's had his eye on this sweet little mini Cooper and as soon as the dude ain't lookin he'll be stylin once more
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:46 am

whammon
Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 11:28 pm

Let's have a nice hand for Narrator. Thanks for the welcome. And might I add that it's really hard for me to focus on Dan Patrick's balls, especially when they're on your chin.

H-Town Steve had himself a lovely rant, easily one of the funniest things I've read in the past 15 seconds. Give me a break. You've got worse comic timing than Pope Benedict. What a great website we once had. Battlegroundtko.com. The TKO stood for "Tanked, Kaput, Over." There has never been a more misleading name for a website. You might as well have rockhardwood.com and have pictures of a petrified forest.

If you hear any heavy breathing tonight, most likely it's a race between Pat and Gene to see who can have a fatal coronary faster. Seriously, though, Pat's doing well, he's dieting. He's lost I think 13 pounds so far, but enough about him kicking Nicole Richie out of his house.

RedBob is here, fresh off his own roast. Following the traditional rule, he got to pick his own victim, and chose Outlaw. Bob, you do realize you were picking a roastee not your next pitcher, right? And when's your story coming out? When's the story coming? I want to see the political drama unfold as you try to figure out what side of the fence you're on this week. For Christ's sake you flip flop more than John Kerry at the beach.

But let's get to the man of the hour before he disappears for another month or two again. What the hell, man? You show up out of nowhere, annoy everyone for a couple of days, then go away for a month. You went from board admin to board period. You are the James Gang menstrual cycle. We call you a douche for a reason. I hope to God the board doesn't get pregnant or we won't see you for nine months, unless we have a board abortion, which means Avery's back.

Mr. car man. Mr. Ford. I drive a Ford and it's a piece of shit. Oh yeah, I love a car that's lower to the ground than a bowlegged turtle. Nothing's more satisfying than thinking I punctured my gas tank pulling into the driveway.

Most of you know that Outlaw's a big NASCAR fan, which you wouldn't guess by the fact that he has all his teeth. Jesus what a boring sport. I'd honest to God rather watch figure skating. At least then when they're going around in a circle there's a chance the chick will lift up her leg and you can see vag. The only legs you'll see lifted at the track are from stray dogs pissing, and 400 pound rednecks about ready to let out a fart that would rival Hiroshima.

In all seriousness though, you are my friend, you are my burn buddy every April 20th, and you have changed all of our lives. Before we were just a bunch of idiots ranting about nothing on a message board. Thanks to you, we're a bunch of idiots ranting about nothing on a message board with a catchy name.

Salut. Cheers. Lechaim. Go fuck yourself.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:47 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:27 am

Well let's see here. We're all gathered here today for the funeral of..... *whispering in ear*

*clears throat*The ROAST of Outlaw. I apologize for the mistake. It's just I saw the looks on everyone's faces after Wham spoke, I figured somebody MUST have died. But anyway. Fine list of A celebrities here. Fine list. We have Redbob who likes to suck himself and dream of being president. As if the Monica Lewinski scandle wasn't bad enough. Bob's gonna be standing there going "I did NOT have sexual relations with my own member." Seriously, heaven help us if Bob ever gets in to office. This isn't a bad thing if you want the code of the Jedi taught in public schools. I dunno about you, but the day my kid comes home with a fuckin' wookie at his side, she better have tits and a goddamn math book.

Gene is here I see. .....Is it just me, or does this guy look like Magnum P.I. had sex with a couch from 1975? And what's with these banners for all occasions? He made me a banner in honor of the last time I took a shit. I'm not saying he makes more banners than we could possibly need, but Hallmark doesn't even make a card for this occasion.

H-Town Steve. What can be said about this pill poppin' loser that ain't been said by repentent crack whores in confession? Thank god for the approval of the morning after pill. Too bad it doesn't have the coctail for gonorrhea in it. But seriously though, this guy has fucked chicks my dog wouldn't rub his balls on, and my dog is blind. They've traced a new strain of VD to steve. Makes your dick look like a half mauled vienna sausage. Steve's pee pee actually grew 3 sizes this day.

Then we got DJ Narry-Poo. He swings super sexy swingin' sounds from the booth at the local homo rock station where he lives. The highlight of his night is the drunk older lady that calls up to request Mandy at 4 in the morning. Barry Manilow's rolling over in his grave, the fuckin' guy ain't even dead yet.

What happens when you mix turpentine, vodka and day-glo? I dunno, but Hungover's in the house. Seriously, this guy's liver must look like a chunk of rotten swiss cheese you found in the corner of the garage being impregnated by a field rat. To say this guy likes to drink would be an understatement. This guy is to a six pack what Michael Jackson is to a daycare. I don't wanna say exactly, but it involves a lot of crying.

ANYWAY, None of these people fucking matter. We're here today for our very own Outlaw Jesse James. What can we say about this guy? He likes his cars. He likes his racing. Personally, I think there's better ways to spend a Sunday then watching inbreeders drive a 6 foot billboard for maxi-pads around circle with other inbred faggots for 5 hours. But hey, whatever floats his boat I guess.

Seriously though, this guy is the goods. You'd be hard put to find a guy as ready to go to the mat as this guy. -insert random gay joke here-. He believes in doing what's right, even when it sucks. And he always swallows the worm. Outlaw, you're a cool motherfucker, I'm damn glad to know you, and that's no shit.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:47 am

Redbob86
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:35 am

Quote :
This isn't a bad thing if you want the code of the Jedi taught in public schools.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:48 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:45 am

I made some edits. You may want to read it again. But then, you may not. lol
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:49 am

Redbob86
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:47 am

PatDaddy77 wrote:
I made some edits. You may want to read it again. But then, you may not. lol

All and all, a great roast. Although it's a bit ironic you making fun of me for liking Star Wars when you have Darth Vader in your signature.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:50 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:59 am

Redbob86 wrote:
PatDaddy77 wrote:
I made some edits. You may want to read it again. But then, you may not. lol

All and all, a great roast. Although it's a bit ironic you making fun of me for liking Star Wars when you have Darth Vader in your signature.

I like star wars too, I just don't have gay sex with the plastic figurines. lol. Plus I like the idea that Darth is telling her emo sucks and calling her a bitch, like she started the movement. lol
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:50 am

Outlaw
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 2:55 pm

Holy shit, y'all fuckers make me laugh!

Tell you what, I'll leave it open until friday night.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:51 am

The Spleen
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:00 pm

You'll shut up and like it!
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:51 am

narrator
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:04 pm

PatDaddy77 wrote:


Then we got DJ Narry-Poo. He swings super sexy swingin' sounds from the booth at the local homo rock station where he lives. The highlight of his night is the drunk older lady that calls up to request Mandy at 4 in the morning. Barry Manilow's rolling over in his grave, the fuckin' guy ain't even dead yet.

You're couldn't be more wrong, PD. She always wants to hear "Boogie Shoes."
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:52 am

rocket88
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 5:41 pm

i'm so confused by this section.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:53 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:59 pm

just ignore all the battleground stuff and focus on the roasts. That's what I do.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:54 am

The Spleen
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 7:21 pm


Looky there! PD has started up the roast proper!
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:54 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:13 pm

oh you like that? I just made it today. Its from Silent Hill.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:55 am

fustyruk
Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:08 am

Working on Outlaw

Steve, my 73 year old mom says she is tired of you crying during sex.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:56 am

HTownSteve
Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:29 am

fustyruk wrote:
Working on Outlaw

Steve, my 73 year old mom says she is tired of you crying during sex.
I only cry cause she WON'T take her teeth out. Bring it, Fusty,

(Best roast ever) Laughing Laughing Laughing

Sucks going first.
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:56 am

PatDaddy77
Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:30 am

I'd be crying too. OHHH! lol
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PostSubject: Re: OUTLAW: ASSume the position   Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:58 am

fustyruk
Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:32 am

HTownSteve wrote:
fustyruk wrote:
Working on Outlaw

Steve, my 73 year old mom says she is tired of you crying during sex.
I only cry cause she WON'T take her teeth out. Bring it, Fusty,

(Best roast ever) Laughing Laughing Laughing

Sucks going first.

You suck and come first. Big Grin
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